The Roast of 'The Last Hope'
by StupidSequel
Summary: More of a cross between a roast and an abridged series, actually. This is a retelling of 'The Last Hope' but translated in my rushed, crack fic style, and rewrites quite a few events while being only a little faithful to the original book. Featuring medium awareness, motorcycle riding, and cats swearing using Twoleg language.


**The Roast of 'The Last Hope'**

**This fanfic does not accurately reflect my honest opinion of The Last Hope. I remember enjoying it and was kinda disappointed that so many people didn't like it. This fanfic is inspired by their criticisms. It is also based on my vague recollection of the events in The Last Hope. I read it sometime spring last year and hadn't reread it since.**

Lionblaze prodded Dovewing awake. "Oh Lionblaze, I just had the most awful dream. I dreamed that the Erins ended the Warriors series with a Disney style musical that was also a clip show. Also, Heavystep was still alive."

"Ew! Now that would just be anti-climactic." Lionblaze said, with slight disgust but also slight amusement. "I know we're gonna make this finale the best damn thing."

"You know what? I just had the best idea ever. Let's make as much filler as we can cuz YOLO." Hollyleaf suggested.

"No, Hollyleaf," Lionblaze scolded. "Filler is stupid and does not make for a good finale."

"You're mean!" Hollyleaf stomped away. She invited a bunch of her RiverClan friends over for a sleep-over where they stayed up all night talking about Twilight and Justin Bieber and other stereotypical middle school age girl interests.

"I need to go to the Moonpool." Jaystar announced. "I have some, um, business to attend to."

"Good luck," Lionblaze waved.

Jayfeather made his way to the Moonpool and then to StarClan. "Okey… first task is to reunite all of StarClan. Piece of cake." The clock was ticking. "Nah. I got all the time in the world cuz YOLO." Jayfeather played his DS and beat the DS version of Donkey Kong Country Returns. He then got 120 stars in SM64 DS and counted to infinity twice.

"Oh shit, I just remembered, I'm on a mission!" Jayfeather got some duct tape out of hammerspace and duct taped all the StarClan cats together so they could be reunited instead of divided.

"Ha!"

When Jayfeather was about to leave, Spottedleaf padded up to him.

"Jayfeather. Firestar is the fourth."

"Uh huh. Got it." Jayfeather took notes on his lappie top.

When Jayjay got back to ThunderClam territory, he stormed into Firestorm's den. "Firestar, you're the fourth."

"Sure, okay whatever," Firestar shrugged, then turned back into a circle cat.

Meanwhile, in the Dark Forest…

"The Clans must die, just like Mario!" Brokenstar declared. He drew a map in the mud with a claw. The map looked just like Geauga Lake. Could that be where the cats moved to, after Cedar Unfair moved most of the rides out to other parks?

"Okay, Mapleshade and Hawkfrost, you ambush on this side-" He was cut off by Tigerstar.

"Um, let's not get any other Clans besides ThunderClan involved in this. ThunderClan is the only Clan I really have a beef with. The way you planned this ambush, you wanna go through ShadowClan territory, and that would be ugly. For all I care, the other non-ThunderClan Clans could live forever in a place with infinite prey and butterflies shitting rainbows like a Lisa Frank artwork."

"What are you, Fluttershy?" Brokenstar teased. Firestar shot him some kind of mean look.

Ivypool woke up, panting.

"Everyone! The Dark Forest are going to attack soon!"

"Dovewing, can you cast your senses over to the Dark Forest?"Someone asked, don't care who.

Dovewing cast her senses over to the Dark Forest.

"You could have just done that anytime?" Ivypool ranted. "Fuck! Then all my spying was for nothing!"

Dovewing could hear the Dark Forest attacking. "Oh crap, we're running out of pages! Quick, only send the most important cats and fight like Satin's rouge Angles because YOLO!" Tigerstar yelled urgently.

"I hope we can still make an epic battle out of this." Greystripe pressed.

"It's ThunderClan, why not? We're awesome." Firestar put on sunglasses, put a lit cigarette in his mouth, hopped on his motorcycle and charged at all 4 of the Dark Forest Warriors that ever showed up for battle, middle finger up. If this was a movie, 'Rock and Roll' by Avril Lavigne would be playing during the 3 minute Dark Forest battle, with "You and I just put up a middle finger to the sky" coinciding with the scene I just described.

Brambleclaw bit Hawkfrost on the neck. CRACK.

The whole Dark Forest army was in shock. Also, Spottedleaf's spirit died at some point and just disappeared out of existence, with definitely no way to ever return. Sheesh! Also, Hollyleaf died with a cracked neck. Just like everyone else. Oh, I also forgot to mention, in the Dark Forest scene earlier with the map, sometime during it, Brokenstar breaks Beetlewhisker's neck cuz, you know, Tigerstar's death is a tough act to follow, and any death after it is like any Pixar film made after Toy Story 3.

"Man down! Retreat, everyone!" Mapleshade called. So they all fled. Except for Tigerstar.

"I'm gonna kill you, Firestar." Firestar closed his eyes and pretended he was Lionblaze. He swiped at Tigerstar's stomach.

"No, don't you dare go there!" Tigerstar demanded. Too late. Tigerstar's spirit popped like a balloon. The whole of ThunderClan sighed in relief.

"The Dark Forest battle is officially over. ThunderClan is the winner. None of the other Clans did a thing because ThunderClan is superior to them because we have The Three."

"But we didn't do anything important during the battle. Why were we needed?" Jayfeather asked. "And why did we need a fourth?"

"To make ThunderClan into a SueClan. And nothing else." Firestar clarified. "And because my ego is bigger than the list of typos, inconsistencies, and continuity errors in the entire Warriors saag. I AM GOD!"

"Well, at least no one important died." Dovewing said optimistically. Right after she said that, a meteor fell on Firestar.

"NOOO!" Ivypool screamed.

"Well, he lived a good life." Brambleclaw said flatly. Lionblaze lifted up the meteor with his front paws. Firestar was covered in a mess of blood, bones sticking out of his flesh and his body was horrifically flattened and disfigured. Brambleclaw grabbed a couple leg bones from the former Clan leader's body and played a tune on his rib cage to ease the emotional pain. It sounded like a glockenspiel. The other Clans looked in shock. How could he be so insensitive?

"I knew you could vanquish the Dark Forest." Spottedleaf praised. "I came back from wherever I poofed to. Turns out there is another StarClan after this one, and it's infinitely better but I came back because nothing is better than being a Mary Sue. Also, may I have a few moments alone with Firestar's body? I'm not gonna rape his corpse or anything. I just think he's very handsome despite how disfigured he looks."

After receiving his nine lives, Bramblestar skipped excitedly from the Moonpool. "I'm getting my own Super Edition. Speaking of said super edition, way to go, Erins. The title of my Super Edition is a huge Last Hope spoiler. Thanks a lot."

"No fair! I want my own Super Edition," Heavystep pouted. "I'm sure fans would like to see my amazing resurrection."

"You weren't important enough," Bramblestar teased. "And Squirrelflight is my deputy because I love her. It has nothing to do with Clan loyalty or being a good warrior. Screw that."

50 years later, Blackstar died. Meanwhile, Sol disappeared off the face of the Earth for no reason.


End file.
